Feeling Lost

Well, it's been awhile since my last entry. I have a confession to make...I feel rather lost. I don't know what to do with myself...what direction to focus on...what is my purpose? Yes, lost is the best way to describe how I feel. Does anyone else out there feel this way? No direction seems particularly obvious. My ideas as an artist feel intimidating, unrealistic and vague. I have no idea how to make an income as an artist. Certainly, I've learned to manage as an educator...but as artist? It all seems so abstract.

I know it's very cliche for a woman in her early 30's to write this, but nonetheless...I sometimes feel like my life is passing me by. This feeling really unsettles me. I don't want to continue holding this longing buried inside me, wondering, "what would my life look like if only I had..." I want to follow my dreams. They just still feel a bit intangible...and that is frustrating. I need at least a little structure and some semblance of support...starting with my own conviction!

Can anyone relate? If so, I welcome your stories and any words of encouragement you can offer...

My self-esteem is struggling these days. NY has a way of kicking my ass and making me see all the gaps in my life, my self-image and my self-confidence. It's exhausting. And easy to feel discouraged and want to throw up my hands and head for the...well, some different hills (I live in the Catskills). It is also exasperating to see how all my old patterns slowly creep back in, the longer I am here....I become what I would describe as a shell of who I am. I minimize. Shrink. Partially disappear, and begin to feel invisible...a nonentity outside of my function as educator and youth program director. It is both lonely and isolating and each time I wonder why I am back here and if it is all worth it? But also, I feel that this is a necessary part of the process of developing into the fullness of who I am and want to become. Maybe I have to face the dark corners of my past and myself to reclaim all the fragments of me that have split off or gone to sleep. But it is still a great challenge.