It's late. And the half-moon just came up over the mountain. A part of me is wishing I were camping out tonight...sleeping on solid ground. Resting on the earth. The crickets are so loud out there, it's deafening! Instead, I am inside, here, writing, as I listen to the night through the window. This is my last one here for awhile. Other than a weekend visit to Quebec City, I have been in the Catskills for about 9&1/2 weeks. It's time to leave. It turned September 1 about an hour ago. One more day of packing, and I'll be on my way...
I never got a chance to write about Quebec City...this is a travel blog, after all! I was enchanted. I went there 2 weeks ago to celebrate a friend's birthday...a Leo. He flew in from Boulder and we drove together to another country. Once it sunk in that we were going, I got really excited about the idea that you can just get in your car and drive to another nation. As an American, that's quite a novelty...and a first for me! Everything fell into place: Someone we never met, who's last name was (and I'm not kidding) "Cool", lent us the keys to her apartment for the entire weekend. That adorable apartment happened to be very central with an amazing view over the city. We spent the first evening upon arrival witnessing a FREE Cirque du Soleil performance. We spent the second night with a really friendly group of locals at a microbrewery. We spent the 3rd night witnessing a second Cirque du Soleil performance "Totem" and after, the largest digital screening in North America (a memoir of Quebec's History). We attempted to converse with locals in their native language, had great conversations over cappuccinos, crepes, pastries and pizza, and had a blast walking all over the city during the day. We even visited the oldest grocery store in North America, which was quaint and full of variety. The trip lifted my spirits and wet my whistle for more travel and more...French! It was so odd to be in a French speaking region where everyone is smiling at strangers and could care less if you speak the language or not! Also...the strangest thing of all...the Quebecois seem to LOVE tourists! It was a surreal experience.
Anyway, back to right-here-right-now...(geez, this is a long entry)! I feel kind of guilty that I haven't camped out once this entire summer! How sad! I hope this fall will make up for that somehow!
There's so much more to write, but I better catch some winks, since I have a night of driving ahead of me. I am taking a cross-country roadtrip (my 5th this year, to be exact), tomorrow to Colorado, via Chicago. My travel companion this time is an Italian Israeli who just got out of a 10 day silent meditation retreat. I'm sure this will be an interesting adventure.
As for me? Am eager to get out of NY, am feeling a bit scattered in pieces and am looking forward to reassembling myself to something that resembles...well, me. Tonight I had dinner with a friend from Chile who asked me, "What do you really want to do (with your life)? Visualize it and dare to dream it!" I immediately realized how scary and exciting this question is. Goodnight.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
What Do You Want to Do?
Well, still pondering what to do with myself this year! I feel a growing disinterest to continue doing the work I have been doing for the last 10 or 12 years...which leaves the whole world open...which feels daunting and mystifying.
OK, before I boor you with any more complaints about the freedom to choose your life's path...I will challenge myself to have the guts to articulate for both you, the reader, and myself what it is I most long to do at this time...and perhaps this clarification will help to set my sail.
So, here we are. Cara, what do you most want to do in the world?
Me: I want to dance. I want to dance every day and for several hours a day. I want my body to be active and expressive. I want to be around others who are passionate about dancing and who are living balanced, wholesome lives as artists. And I want to see what my body is capable of if I dedicate it wholeheartedly to dance.
I want to travel. I want to see dance in a variety of settings, grounded in its origins. I want to study and discover people's relationship with dance...particularly women.
I want to learn more about women's history and triumphs. I want to gain new strategies for empowering both genders to relate in a healthier way.
I want to cook and eat good food!
I want to adventure, to explore and spend time in beautiful places with sincere people.
I want to study and learn experientially and get accredited as I go. I want recognition for all that I am learning and doing so that I can go on to make a noticeable difference in the world.
(this last part is hard for me to write...my modest self says it shouldn't matter whether I get recognition or not, I should only do what I feel called to do...but there I go, "should-ing" all over myself!)
I want to see the possibilities of integrating dance with other art forms and topics as a way to express wisdom and inspire others to be more connected in their own lives. I want to perform in a way that collaborates with others and uplifts viewers.
There, I've done it. I've told the embarrassing truth. On the web!
Ugh, that was hard!
OK, before I boor you with any more complaints about the freedom to choose your life's path...I will challenge myself to have the guts to articulate for both you, the reader, and myself what it is I most long to do at this time...and perhaps this clarification will help to set my sail.
So, here we are. Cara, what do you most want to do in the world?
Me: I want to dance. I want to dance every day and for several hours a day. I want my body to be active and expressive. I want to be around others who are passionate about dancing and who are living balanced, wholesome lives as artists. And I want to see what my body is capable of if I dedicate it wholeheartedly to dance.
I want to travel. I want to see dance in a variety of settings, grounded in its origins. I want to study and discover people's relationship with dance...particularly women.
I want to learn more about women's history and triumphs. I want to gain new strategies for empowering both genders to relate in a healthier way.
I want to cook and eat good food!
I want to adventure, to explore and spend time in beautiful places with sincere people.
I want to study and learn experientially and get accredited as I go. I want recognition for all that I am learning and doing so that I can go on to make a noticeable difference in the world.
(this last part is hard for me to write...my modest self says it shouldn't matter whether I get recognition or not, I should only do what I feel called to do...but there I go, "should-ing" all over myself!)
I want to see the possibilities of integrating dance with other art forms and topics as a way to express wisdom and inspire others to be more connected in their own lives. I want to perform in a way that collaborates with others and uplifts viewers.
There, I've done it. I've told the embarrassing truth. On the web!
Ugh, that was hard!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Feeling Lost
Well, it's been awhile since my last entry. I have a confession to make...I feel rather lost. I don't know what to do with myself...what direction to focus on...what is my purpose? Yes, lost is the best way to describe how I feel. Does anyone else out there feel this way? No direction seems particularly obvious. My ideas as an artist feel intimidating, unrealistic and vague. I have no idea how to make an income as an artist. Certainly, I've learned to manage as an educator...but as artist? It all seems so abstract.
I know it's very cliche for a woman in her early 30's to write this, but nonetheless...I sometimes feel like my life is passing me by. This feeling really unsettles me. I don't want to continue holding this longing buried inside me, wondering, "what would my life look like if only I had..." I want to follow my dreams. They just still feel a bit intangible...and that is frustrating. I need at least a little structure and some semblance of support...starting with my own conviction!
Can anyone relate? If so, I welcome your stories and any words of encouragement you can offer...
My self-esteem is struggling these days. NY has a way of kicking my ass and making me see all the gaps in my life, my self-image and my self-confidence. It's exhausting. And easy to feel discouraged and want to throw up my hands and head for the...well, some different hills (I live in the Catskills). It is also exasperating to see how all my old patterns slowly creep back in, the longer I am here....I become what I would describe as a shell of who I am. I minimize. Shrink. Partially disappear, and begin to feel invisible...a nonentity outside of my function as educator and youth program director. It is both lonely and isolating and each time I wonder why I am back here and if it is all worth it? But also, I feel that this is a necessary part of the process of developing into the fullness of who I am and want to become. Maybe I have to face the dark corners of my past and myself to reclaim all the fragments of me that have split off or gone to sleep. But it is still a great challenge.
I know it's very cliche for a woman in her early 30's to write this, but nonetheless...I sometimes feel like my life is passing me by. This feeling really unsettles me. I don't want to continue holding this longing buried inside me, wondering, "what would my life look like if only I had..." I want to follow my dreams. They just still feel a bit intangible...and that is frustrating. I need at least a little structure and some semblance of support...starting with my own conviction!
Can anyone relate? If so, I welcome your stories and any words of encouragement you can offer...
My self-esteem is struggling these days. NY has a way of kicking my ass and making me see all the gaps in my life, my self-image and my self-confidence. It's exhausting. And easy to feel discouraged and want to throw up my hands and head for the...well, some different hills (I live in the Catskills). It is also exasperating to see how all my old patterns slowly creep back in, the longer I am here....I become what I would describe as a shell of who I am. I minimize. Shrink. Partially disappear, and begin to feel invisible...a nonentity outside of my function as educator and youth program director. It is both lonely and isolating and each time I wonder why I am back here and if it is all worth it? But also, I feel that this is a necessary part of the process of developing into the fullness of who I am and want to become. Maybe I have to face the dark corners of my past and myself to reclaim all the fragments of me that have split off or gone to sleep. But it is still a great challenge.
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