Lost

So I've been writing lots of accounts of my activities lately...but the question is, where am I in all of this? The truth is, I am still not really sure. I feel myself still hiding in the shadows. Now, completing my 5th week of travel, I have not taken one dance class, have not sung one song to anyone (except to teach a song to the Turkish group for the play and to learn a children's song in French from a friend). I am exploring, but I still feel lost...why do I remain so allusive to the things I want most, and vice versa? I can't chase after my dreams, I have to situate myself in a place where I can allow them to manifest. I just don't seem to understand how to arrive at that place!

My current host is a recording engineer. Is that I sign that I am getting closer to something I desire, or just another vague breeze that will meaninglessly pass me by? Will I end up recording something in his basement, meet other musicians, make connections...or will it just end up an ironic coincidence that he has a recording studio in his home?

I am not ready to go home yet. I still need time to be away from everything familiar and any predetermined roles...so I am deeply grateful for the next few weeks ahead. I pray that some of this time will somehow, by some magic guide me more deeply into the inaccessible parts of myself, so that I may find my direction! I pray, pray, pray!

It's strange and funny to travel and witness everyone running around in their lives, caught up in their immediate surroundings and day to day realities...and feel that I don't have this luxury...to just feel my place in the world, be grounded in my duties, friends, responsibilities. My world feels so overwhelmingly big, that I end up feeling lost. Other times, it feels so painfully small that I can't breathe and that also makes me feel even more lost...

Simultaneously, I feel so grateful for the opportunity to gain this broader perspective and be able to witness so many concurrent realities, so many ways to be a human, to create a life, to design your place in the world...I just realized, I meet many people I envy in one regard or another, but a precious few who actually inspire me to live a richer, more gutsy life. I want to meet more of these people!

Sitting down to write this blog entry, the song on Hungarian radio went like this..."I've gained the world and lost my soul, maybe it's cause I'm getting old. All the people that I know, have gained the world and lost their souls..." Yikes. That's so...ominous!