An Update

Well, since this is a blog about my areas of interest and inspiration, I think it best if I write a mention of these. So here we go...

Travel: Right now I am in the Catskill Mountains...spending the summer on the site where my ancestors from Scotland first settled. It sounds rustic, but actually they were quite well-off, buying thousands of acres when they arrived, building a large manor house surrounded by lilac bushes, and starting up an elaborate trout hatchery on the property around the house.

I grew up in the Catskill Mountains. I have also lived here, part-time for the last 12 years. It is a unique landscape. This morning, gray mist is covering the tops of the mountains, while sunlight is stubbornly streaming through the trees from the Hatchery. The birds have a lot to say.

Dance: I have studied various forms throughout my life, but the dance I am most passionate about at the moment is Flamenco. I am a beginner. I have a lot to say on the topic of Flamenco, but I will leave that for another entry.

Cuisine: I can't say my diet has been particularly great the last few weeks, due partly to stress and a hectic work schedule, but being that it's summer, my staple foods are lemonade and ice cream. Let's hear it for peaches, plums and fresh berries too! I have not been cooking lately, so it's been lots of brown-rice pasta, cold cuts and mostly light fare. Yesterday though, I went out to lunch with a friend and had a delicious crepe with ham, brie, tomato and avocado topped with one large egg over-easy. Delicious.

Let Go and Grow

I am still getting used to the idea that I have a blog. Just for me. About me. It's strange really. Nothing to promote, no one else to encourage or highlight. Just my thoughts and ramblings. Whatever I want it to be.

As before mentioned, this is a new concept for me: to focus on myself, my own development and potential, instead of others'. It's really easy, I've noticed, to keep yourself incredibly distracted from the possibility of your own unfolding by staying focused on other people's problems and obstacles. Then you can conveniently take on their suffering for them and avoid paying any attention to who you might be if you just focused on your own place and point in time. In other words, coming from someone who was taught at a very early age to always put others before herself...I am beginning to think there is something to be said for minding your own damn business!

Yes, I am sad to report that I have spent a great deal of time worrying over other people's garbage. Even at times, to the point of losing track of myself entirely and obsessing over someone else's pain, history, prospects and possibilities. I am not proud of this, but how was I to know? Luckily, it is beginning to dawn on me that this is a big waste of energy all around and that meanwhile my own potential gets squandered. So, I am learning to let go and grow!

Good Will to All...Including Yourself

Many artists become educators. Including me. I think the danger of being an educator is all the time you can stall from developing your own potential by focusing on "the community and the kids". It's like a reversed narcissist. Your needs come last. I'm sure it's a synonymous symptom to the role of parent. You build your identity as the giver, unconscious of how conveniently this role evades you from the responsibility of nurturing yourself. You somehow reason that if you take care of everyone else in your life, surely someone in your life will take care of you. Hmmm. Does that work for anyone out there? In my experience, as time goes by, part of you feels great about what you are sharing with others, while another part finds itself secretly frustrated and depleted of all that good energy that was never reserved for you to spread your own wings. Your fear is clever at disguising itself as responsibility, discipline and doing for others. And while those are undoubtedly good qualities, everything in moderation...even good will to others at the expense of one's own ability to regenerate and expand.

Not a Stage Actress...

I want to be a great many kinds of artist...but I am not a big fan of a great many kinds of art culture, to tell you the truth. Take thespian culture, for example. I wanted to be a stage actress...till I realized I would have to tolerate and participate in thespian culture: a strange, dark mix of drama, salesmanship, promiscuity, weight loss regiments, cosmetics, competition and talent...not really my cup of tea. The other aspect I didn't dig was the idea that I would have to try to make ends meet by landing roles in commercials for products I wouldn't buy myself...not really my thing either. I discovered this at age 19 when I tried to hit the scene, thinking I was a sophisticated grown-up...but was disappointedly informed that I appeared 15 years old. While it comes in handy in later years to look younger than your age, at this stage I was not thrilled. Fellow actors advised me to aim for early adolescent roles...like Anne Frank. Instead, I moved to the Catskill Mountains and started learning yoga.

My Kind of Artist

It clearly takes guts to call yourself an artist. And even more guts to make art your profession. Or eccentricity. Or really good connections. Or a willingness to exploit yourself for fame and opportunity. I am interested in the having guts approach. And I think if you add to those guts a dash of impulsive willfulness...or being unshakably self-directed...what you get is an artist who does not want to be contracted, but rather wants full say and freedom over what she creates and how. And why. From the start. That's the kind of artist I want to be. But what does that look like?

Welcome...

Welcome to my brand new blog. The point? To reflect on and explore the areas of life that I am currently most passionate about. By writing, I aim to share with you my struggles, triumphs and musings of the elements of life which inspire me most. And with this sharing, perhaps I aim to deepen my own commitment and relation to these same sources of creativity and inspiration. And so we begin...